Well my possums…
I’m back. And I’m better than ever.
You may be wondering where I was. (Or perhaps you weren’t, but go ahead and let my fragile ego think you were.) The short answer is moving. The long answer is Jae and I are moving in together. And it’s been a process. We won’t tell you where (because of course we’re just so darn popular that we’re sure to get a stalker or two…anyone ever seen the Will and Grace episode about Kevin Bacon’s stalker? Where if you have a stalker it means you’re (a little) famous? I kinda feel like that sometimes.) As you can imagine, with all the moving drama, the staying with my parents and other people while we find an apartment, and the extraordinary high level of stress I didn’t really have much time to edit the website. In fact, I considered giving this one up all together and sticking only to publishing The Project 72. But two things inspired me, lifted me up and said “No! You will write smut and take dirty pictures and maybe share a heart-felt poem or two!” And they are:
- I paid for the goddamn domain name. I will not pay for something and then not use it. My plate is always clean–I would rather eat until my stomach can be seen protruding from space than throw away food– and I am never a no-show if I have tickets for something.
- Actually, the Butch Voices Conference. Okay, so I’m not butch. But I’m not femme either. And the workshop schedule for the conference looked amazing, plus we were invited to go. So I thought, “cool beans! Queers and home-baked goods and workshops, I’m in!” And I went. And there was a media panel. It was about butch and queer persons in the media and their visibility. And how mainstream they were. Etc. And one of the conclusions is that we have to create our own media. If we build it, they will come. And I took a good, long look at myself. How much of why I wasn’t writing here (or pretty much anywhere, for that matter) was because I didn’t have the time? And how much because I was scared? Scared that I’m actually not that interesting or good at writing, scared that I don’t have the right to speak up and say something, create something? Scared that no one will want to listen. The keynote ended with everyone declaring their commitment to their Butch Voice. I didn’t go up or speak up because I felt that I couldn’t–I’m not good enough, not butch enough, not part of the community enough. And since then I have recognized what bull shit I was spewing in my brain that day. I should have gone up and said that my commitment to my own voice, whatever adjective I’m using for it that day, is to own it and feel that I have a right to use it. So here I am. Saved by the queers at the conference, pulled out of my wallowing hole and coughing the self-doubt and creative funk from my lungs.
I’m welcoming myself back today.
Just a few little notes–you might be saying right now”…hey…this layout looks a little like P72.” Well you’re right. In fact, it’s the exact same layout as P72. Unlike every other person on that media panel on September 25th, I have no training as a graphic designer. Let me repeat that. I have no training as a graphic designer. And while we’re at it, let’s debunk a couple other lesbian myths. I can’t calk a tub, I eat meat, and I’ve never made a documentary film. But I’m paying the price for being the only person on the face of the planet who’s never done this before–actually designing and coding a website is slow going for me. Hence the wordpress. Hence the shitty picture of my legs, the best I could do for a banner at the moment. But never fear. I am learning. And it will get better. So stick with me, my possums, as I muddle through. I promise you’ll get some good smut, some great plans of action, and a whole lot of love from me.