Like I said in my first Symposium piece, when Sinclair Sexsmith tells the world to do something, Ima do it. And after a long, anxious hiatus of this amazing blog-carnival/roundup led by Butch Lab, here’s the second writing prompt. I couldn’t wait to write about this one: Symposium #2, March 2011: Butch Stereotypes, Cliches, and Misconceptions: What do people think “butch” means? What are the stereotypes around being butch? What do people assume is true about you [or the masculine of center folks in your life], but actually isn’t? What image or concept do you constantly have to correct or fight against? How do you feel about these misconceptions? How do you deal with them? Do you respond to these stereotypes or cliches? How?
According to common wisdom. I’m supposed to be a huge pillow princess. Complete bottom. Love, love, love penetration with the biggest, most realistic cock ever in the history of cocks. That common wisdom comes from the same people that ask “So…who’s the dude?” when trying to figure out how my and Jae’s relationship works. It may surprise you to know that the first person I got that question from is a lesbian (um…shouldn’t you know how this works?). The second one was one of my bosses at the time (it’s amazing…would any boss ever discuss something that could be taken really sexually with a straight employee? Even though she disguised it as a question about our bed/sleeping habits? Nuh-uh. Shut your mouth, bitch.)
If the above is true about me, then the following is true about Jae: she’s the dude. She’s got the biggest, most realistic cock (which she packs everywhere) and she can caulk the tub while fucking me at the same time. She is always on top and calls me her girl and has a touch of chauvinism to her. She also identifies as female, but wishes she were male. Oh, and she’s the dreaded “masculine.” It’s really really bad to be masculine when you’re born with female bits, because it means she wasn’t pretty enough when she was trying to be feminine. So she just gave up and switched. She also couldn’t get a man. That’s why she likes chicks.
Cue the obnoxious game show buzzer. Also, punch the purveyors of common wisdom in the teeth so they can stop gossiping and spreading their bile.
Let’s debunk all that.
I’m the toppier one of us two, though we switch occasionally. I am the wearer of the biggest, most realistic cock Jae could find because she is a size queen/king. When we’re talking sex, there’s a big Jae-shaped dent in our memory-foam, the outline of her back. No legs. Those are generally wrapped around me. Now apparently masculine-of-center people aren’t supposed to be bottoms. In fact, one of Jae’s former girlfriends called her appearance misleading. Um…wtf? How Jae responded and responds is by making her sexual preferences really obvious and open. Have I mentioned that we met on OKCupid? “Bottom” was in the first sentence of her profile. I think she should have responded by leaving that tool. How I respond to the dude question? Well to the lesbian I asked if she could define what that meant. Then pointed out that if I were dating in Paris half of those things wouldn’t apply because the activities/descriptors/appearances that are considered masculine are very much centric to the culture that we’re steeped in. If I were dating in China, Indonesia, or even 100 years ago in this country, those things that we think of as “masculine” would be completely turned on their heads. If we’re talking about who wears the cock, that’d be me. If we’re talking about who has shorter hair, that’d be her. To my (former, very much former) employer, I politely answered her question and continued to get in trouble for being openly gay during my four-week stint at a summer arts camp. Yeah. Arts. I will never work there again.
Jae also gets a lot of crap for looking the way she looks. While I certainly can’t talk about my job on here (I’m a secret agent, you see) I can say that Jae and I do work for the same company. Our jobs are wildly different, but both of us are privvy to a ton of client feedback. Jae got a criticism once that basically consisted of “I can’t tell the gender of the person that helped me.” Well fuck you, asshole. Why is it really imperative to know what’s down Jae’s pants when you’re working with her? I have never, ever received a criticism from a client that had anything to do with the way I present, but I’m clearly a girl. In this case, Jae didn’t respond. Our co-workers did the responding for her. They asked her if they’d been using the correct pronoun. She hugged her bosses and walked away. That’s because the debunking of this second myth and misconception, that butch is immediately followed by the word “lesbian” and therefore gendered as female, relies on the fact that Jae’s gender is nice and queer, just like the rest of her. Butch doesn’t necessarily mean female-identified, “wishing to be a man.” Hell, the butchest people/beings I know have male bits. Others don’t have male bits, but identify as male. And the person with the biggest dick in my circle of friends is me. And I do not identify as butch. So butch does not equal female. Butch equals butch. (A note on Jae’s pronouns: she doesn’t care what you call her. I use “she” with her, but sprinkle a couple “Sir”s in there, as well, also “baby boy” or “baby girl”. Feel free to do the same. Except don’t call her baby. That’s all me.)
Third debunking: Jae is not butch because she wasn’t pretty as a very feminine woman. I’d post the picture I have of her in a floor-length fire-engine-red dress if I didn’t know better. Post that and I can tell you, I’d be sleeping on the couch tonight. Sometimes possessing relationship bliss takes priority over proving a point. The point being that she was stunning in a dress. You all will just have to trust me on this one. Homegirl could femme it up and look drop dead sexy. But she doesn’t want to. And she looks drop dead sexy in a suit jacket. She often says she feels like she’s in drag in ultra-feminine clothes. So why oh why do people think she gave up and grew her leg hair out? Also, her first memory of gayness dates back to elementary school and she’s a gold star. Is it fair to say she couldn’t get a man if she never tried because she didn’t want to? And certainly not being able to get a man didn’t lead to queeration, here. More like the other way around. Or you could blame little Lindsey on the swing set for being so damn foxy to an eight year old mind.
I recognize I’m preaching to the choir here, but I feel like sharing these little tidbits about us might make people with similar experiences feel less marginalized? Because how can you be in the margin when there are so many people out there just like you and so many couples that sometimes feel like gender-inside-out-Oreos? We’re the damn body of that lined and crinkled piece of paper, interesting things written all over it. So I’m here to reinforce what you already know–when people spout that common wisdom or make assumptions based on it, you should recognize them for what they truly are: common. We, you and I and Jae and everyone like us, however…we’re spectacular.
I feel like I’m in drag when I’m in hyper-feminine garb, too! (and I might pass as queer but never butch)
I think this awesome little tidbit of preaching to the choir deserves an “amen” or two in there. Definitely.
Amen, then. :0)
Thanks for reading. And for commenting. I never feel like I’m in drag in anything, even a feather boa on one end of the spectrum, and all be-cocked on the other. But then again, I’m a performer. I kinda don’t count in that respect. I’ll pretty much do whatever.
awesome response. I love the symposium.
this was a tough one for me because we Are the stereotype–I’m a bottoming femme, she’s a topping butch. She takes out the garbage, I cook the meals. So what I focused on was general misconceptions (which, for straight folks who know us, we do nothing to repeal!). Your response is a perfect one to really point out how many ways there are to present butch.
In my first post for symposium I said that the only being in my house that presents as traditionally butch is my dog. And I meant it. And I don’t even identify as femme, either. Man, we are totes fucked up. :0)
That said, get on with your bad selves. If a traditional dynamic is what y’all got and you’re happy, holla. If I had to cook anything, I’d a) chop my fingers off and b) burn down the apartment. But I love me my high-heeled shoes. I’d also be willing to bet that your dynamic is anything but “traditional.” ;0) Don’t worry about proving anything to the straight folks.
I never can decide which I dislike more: the hetero bias or the homo one? I know I have my own, but I try to remember that I see the world through my own filter and lens. There’s room for everybody under the queer umbrella!
I love the idea of a queer umbrella. I want someone to design a queer umbrella. I’ll be the talk of the town on rainy days. :0)
“So butch does not equal female. Butch equals butch.”
Yup–that’s exactly it.
A friend of mine says she doesnt care if people label her as butch, but she wont allow them to use it as a box to keep her in.
Sounds like you and Jae have it right frigging on.
Y’all have it right-frigging-on as well! :0)
I can identify with a lot of what you write here. As a primarily-bottomy sometime-femme who is mostly attracted to butch-presenting folk, I definitely work against my own stereotypes of what that presentation means about what will happen in bed. What I’ve come to love are the ways that desire and appearance shift, and work with and against each other in an individual and in relationships.
Me to–every pairing, hell, ever sexual encounter in every pairing is so different. I love playing with the energy that springs up between two people.
I have to work against that bias as well, to be honest. But everyone does. We all make snap assumptions, the key is to not let them control us, I think. I sometimes think I know what I’m getting when I look at a person, but I feel like that’s okay as long as I allow them to surprise me.
I’m really relieved to see that there are other female bodied people who share my feelings. I thought I was the only one who feels like I’m cross dressing in “women’s clothing”. When I try to explain myself I always get “You are a girl though. You have a vagina.” My answer usually “no I’m not!” Defensively. It makes me want to barf. I see myself as a boi/butch. I feel best while packing. I’m a chaser and a top but I’d love to chased/topped. I know I could rock “girl garb” if I wanted to. My mom’s best friend’s son is five and he thinks I’m the coolest boy ever, because I have a mohawk and cross dress. He calls me his big brother and it makes my little queer heart so happy. Everyone else tries to correct him though. And I say all the time it doesn’t bother me. When my mom jokes and calls me a guy I laugh and wish she was serious, in a way. Anyone else?
I much prefer infroamtive articles like this to that high brow literature.
Excellent post. I’m a very traditional looking butch, but a lot of my behaviors are not stereotypical.
Stereotypes and expectations attempt to box us in, and you and Jae obviously are not going to let that happen. Hats off to you both for loving each other fiercely and being exactly the people you should be.
Thanks for writing this! As a butch who is mostly a bottom, cries easily, and as comfortable in the kitchen as in the toolshed, I love hearing stories of other butches who don’t let the label box us in.